50 Dave Barry Quotes You Must Read

1. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
2. The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
3. You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
4. It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
5. It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
8. The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
9. Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
10. To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
11. Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
12. Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
13. Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
14. Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
15. We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
16. Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
17. Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
18. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
19. My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
20. Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
21. We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
22. As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
23. We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
24. The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
25. The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
26. Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
27. Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
28. The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
29. Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
30. The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
31. Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
32. I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
33. Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
34. Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
35. We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
36. Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
37. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
38. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
39. It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
40. The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
41. The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
42. Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
43. The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
44. The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
45. The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
46. I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.
47. The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
48. Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
49. Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
50. Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.