Famous Quotes Of George Carlin

1. Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
2. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
3. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
4. When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
5. What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
6. The status quo sucks.
7. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
8. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
9. Electricity is really just organized lightning.
10. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
11. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
12. The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
13. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
14. Think off-center.
15. I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
16. Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
17. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
18. Religion is just mind control.
19. If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
20. Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
21. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
22. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
23. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
24. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
25. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.