25 Most Famous George Carlin Quotes

1. Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
2. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
3. There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
4. Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
5. Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
6. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
7. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
8. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
9. When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
10. You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
11. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
12. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
13. One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
14. The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
15. People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
16. When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
17. If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
18. In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
19. I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
20. When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
21. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
22. I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
23. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
24. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
25. Always do whatever's next.